I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
