she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
