Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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