he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
