well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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