so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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