How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
