A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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