That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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