I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
