I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
