life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
