Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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