people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
