do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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