So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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