i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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