after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
