i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
