He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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