im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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