The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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