Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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