so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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