rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You can't special order awesome
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Randomize
