Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize