I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
