im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
