This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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