drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
