I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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