I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Mom said you looked used
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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