a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
