remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
