I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
