I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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