wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
