OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
