are you still at the devil's house?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
His hands were made for my vagina.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
