i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
