My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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