shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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