I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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