Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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