I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
