You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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