my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize