So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
