You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
