Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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