I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
