ya dads aren't the best wingmen
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
