He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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