there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
