he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
