Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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