I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
