It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm getting married
To pizza
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
