youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I skipped work to stalk him.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
