if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
