Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
